PINK LADY & JEFF: THE REVIEW - PART ONE
This Trooper has been a fan of Pink Lady (Mitsuyo Nemoto-Tsukuda & Keiko Masuda-Kuwaki) since 1980. That year, I was only 6 going on 7. The very minute I saw them, I fell in love with them almost instantly. As far as Jeff Altman is concerned, I virtually paid no attention to him or any of the other performers on the show. Even now, (in my opinion) he gets less respect than Rodney Dangerfield.
EPISODE ONE
Of course, Jeff has to open the show with his obscure monologue. He got a few laughs from the audience, but I wasn’t too amused. The only times he got a laugh from me were A> when he faked banging his head on the stool, and B> when he imitated Richard Nixon.
Then he goes and introduces Pink Lady. Before he does, he shows the audience a brief clip of one concert. Then just seconds later, the main attraction comes out. At first they appear in traditional Japanese kimonos. Then after they sing a few lyrics in Japanese, they come out of their kimonos to reveal spangly pink evening gowns while singing EWF’s “Boogie Wonderland”.
Then after the song is done, Jeff questions their ability to actually speak English. Mitsuyo (MIE) responded with: “We spent many hours in Japan learning it. We wanted to speak perfect English when we got here.” Then he asks Keiko (KEI) the same question, and she replies with a smart-alek answer: “Yes. Do you?” Then of course, they go into [what Jeffrey Branch describes as] a good-cop-bad-cop routine. Mitsuyo flirts with Jeff and tries to make him feel good, while Keiko shoots him down when the opportunity arises. Near the end, Jeff says “It will be just the 3 of us.” Keiko corrects him: “No – 4.” Mitsuyo informs Jeff that they brought along their “bo-di-ga-do”, which Keiko abruptly translates into “bodyguard.” Then Keiko turns and calls out “Anga-san!” …at which time, the big guy (dressed in Sumo gear) busts through the wall and crosses his arms – and if looks could kill, Jeff Altman would be pushing up Japanese daisies!
The special guests for this episode were Sherman Hemsley, Bert Parks, and Blondie (via music video).
Then comes the “Radio” section – where Pink Lady sings a cute verse or two to the “Pink Lady & Jeff” theme song. After each verse, we see brief sketches as follows:
- Jeff plays a reverend who can supposedly heal people with his hands. His first “customer” is a young lady (played by MIE) who was dancing non-stop regardless of the fact that absolutely no music is playing. When “Reverend Jeff” lays his palm on top of the lady’s head, he says “YEAH! Come on home!” Shortly afterward, he “heals” himself and faints.
- In the next sketch, Jeff plays a dimwitted boxer named Leonard Moon who “doesn’t have the brains of an ice cube”. His “training partner” was a side of beef named Roy.
- MOTOWN REVUE: Pink Lady open this section as two-thirds of the Supremes with a brief excerpt of “Stop In The Name Of Love”. After that, we have “Disco Dick Nixon and the Richard Nixon Soul Revue”.
Later in the show, Pink Lady reveal that they have maps to the stars’ homes. Just seconds later, Sherman Hemsley comes in and briefly joins PL & J. MIE then asks about women being drafted into the Army. Sherman tells Pink Lady that women do get drafted… at which time a new sketch begins: the “Uniform Sisterhood Organization” – hosted by “Bobbi Hope”. This bit of dialogue was very amusing:
- [random soldier] You talk about luck… I’ve been married 6 times! Right when I was between husbands, they slapped me with a draft notice!
- [KEI] What a bummer!
- [MIE] The Army isn’t too bad… except the food is rotten: that SOS!
- [KEI] Yeah – Sushi on a Shingle!
Then Bobbi Hope comes on stage and introduces 2 acts: a winner of the “Mister Macho contest” (played by Jeff Altman) and “Sherman and the Boys” singing a brief rendition of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Babe.”
Then we meet Bert Parks: legendary host of the Miss America contest. Before he comes out, Jeff quietly tells Pink Lady that Bert is “heading for the last roundup.” Now – Jeff said it quietly tells them that bit in the foolish hopes that they would not say anything. So much for that; MIE asked Bert if he brought his horse, while KEI told him what she was told by Jeff: he was heading for the last roundup. After that, Bert tells Jeff to get lost.
Shortly afterward, we have a “cultural spot” with obscure art dealer Art Nuvo and wildlife observer Marlin Perkins.
Then we meet our musical guest Blondie via music video. The song being performed was “Shayla”.
Then on to another funny sketch: “The Adventures of the Pink Falcon” (played by MIE & KEI). Just as they attempt to steal a safe, Detective Jeff busts them and removes the rope from the safe. He tells the Pink Falcon that he knows all about their plan… when suddenly, with Jeff grabbing the rope and not thinking it through first, the Pink Falcon gives the cue to their accomplice: “OK, Mike!” And just like that, out goes Detective Jeff – out the window!
Then, a brief sketch of what appears to be “The Tonight Show” – with a rather pathetic imitation of Johnny Carson. In fact, Jeff’s imitation of Johnny appeared to be so terrible that KEI asked when Bill Cosby was coming back. Within this sketch, a commercial starring Pink Lady was shown. Then a Japanese comedian finished off the sketch. Because no one understood what he said, he ended the sketch with a comical dance.
Then, MIE writes a letter to her mother and tells her how she and KEI are dealing with their transition to America. Within her letter she tells her mother: “Hollywood is not quite what we expected” …which then leads to a few mini-sketches of Hollywood.
The next section featured MIE & KEI singing their renditions of “You’ve Got A Friend” and “Knock On Wood.”
Then comes the end of the show, where Jeff thanks the guests who appeared on the show. At which time, Jeff attempts to talk about something obscure… until MIE & KEI interrupt with another special surprise, much to Jeff’s brief dismay.
- [JEFF] You girls have got to trust me…
- [MIE] We do trust you, Jeff.
- [KEI] We have a Japanese custom. At the end of the day, time to go into HOT TUB.
Jeff resists at first, but then he happily accepts their offer as MIE & KEI pour water all over a still-fully-clothed Jeff. As Jeff starts to enjoy this, Anga-san rises from the water, scaring the bejeezus out of Jeff once again.
- [JEFF] Whoa! I hope we got extra soap. Sayonara.
- [MIE & KEI] Good night!
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EPISODE TWO
Here we go again with another obscure opening monologue from Jeff Altman. At the beginning, he goes into “reviews” of the show which “all mentioned him”. The reviews read as follows:
- “Who is… Jeff Altman?”
- “Why is Jeff Altman on TV at all?”
- “Why did NBC give Jeff Altman a show, and why is he with those girls?”
- “[mocking Japanese poorly]… Jeff Altman.”
Then he goes into the show being aired opposite “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and how he guest starred on it a few times.
Then FINALLY, he introduces Pink Lady, who then perform their own rendition of “Ease On Down The Road.”
Song ends, and here comes Jeff to compliment their performance. In return, they compliment on his tuxedo…
- [MIE] You look so handsome in your tuxedo.
- [KEI] How did you get it off the wedding cake?
Then they ask about why he always wears a tuxedo, and he explains that tuxedos and other nice outfits are required for festive events. Afterward, MIE & KEI tell Jeff about robes: different types of robes and different events for which they are worn. They even went so far as to provide Jeff with a robe of his own: a robe worn by samurai warriors. Then just as Jeff goes into character while wearing the robe, out comes Anga-san – with the exact same robe… and a samurai sword! YIKES!
The special guests for this episode were Larry Hagman, Donny Osmond, Sid Caesar, and Teddy Pendergrass.
Next, we meet Larry Hagman (star of “I Dream Of Jeannie” and “Dallas”). On occasion, Jeff calls him JR – which then forces Larry to go into character each time – and straighten Jeff out. MIE & KEI come out later to greet Larry and invite him to watch them do their next number. Now, Larry gets all sweet with MIE & KEI… but continues to be a real jerk toward Jeff. And who can blame him? After all, Jeff Altman gets less respect than Rodney Dangerfield.
Once again, it’s Radio Time! Among the sketches were:
- The pompous Reverend who heals anything with his hands.
- The “Bland Ole Opry” with the legendary Jim Varney as the host.
Then we cut to MIE, KEI, and a rather insecure Jeff – who compliments on how well the Ladies are doing with the show, then adds that they might no longer need him (in a sense, feeling sorry for himself). Then MIE & KEI (mostly MIE) reassure him that they could not have done this show without him. And to top off this tender moment, they teach Jeff a Japanese phrase: Ho-to-ni-hi-ta-nei (TRANSLATION: We like you very much).
Our next sketch has MIE & KEI in a traditional Japanese household with Sid Caesar playing the role of their rather overprotective father. So overprotective in fact that he would make the Ladies cover up every body part from the neck down! Then when their dates (played by Jim Varney and Jeff Altman) come calling in, the father gets ALL TOO overprotective – literally freaking out when they would touch the Ladies in ANY WAY. Eventually, Papa-san sends the Ladies off on their date with the two men.
Our next segment features a team-up performance by Pink Lady & Donny Osmond.
Next up is another “Culture City” advertisement by Art Nuvo. One of his customers happens to be Larry Hagman!
Right after Art Nuvo’s rather ridiculous commercial comes a rather obscure performance of “Swan Lake” with Sid Caesar as one of the dancers.
Right after that rather obscure performance comes an outstanding performance by Teddy Pendergrass.
After all that, we witnessed a series of sketches in New York City. One ends in a musical number led by Donny Osmond, one sketch features Teddy Pendergrass as a street musician, and one features Larry Hagman and Sid Caesar in a strip bar. Actually in the third sketch, Larry Hagman tries to talk business while Sid Caesar goes gaga over the strippers in front of them.
Now comes the end of the show. While Jeff thanks the guests for helping out with the show, MIE & KEI get changed into their bathing suits. And just before they approach the hot tub, we find Larry Hagman, Teddy Pendergrass, and Sid Caesar in the tub playing cards! Shortly afterward, MIE & KEI bring Jeff into the hot tub… and Teddy puts his cowboy hat on Jeff’s head. Sayonara.
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EPISODE THREE
Top of the show – enter Jeff Altman and his rather obscure monologue. He introduces himself as “Jeff Altman: boy comedian”… then goes into how he had to “use that name because some other entertainer used his alleged birth name: Sex Pistols.” Then he goes into ho his comedic career started in Syracuse (New York). He talked about his first gig (the Beef and Bandage), he talked about the employees, and he even demonstrated the semi-funny gag that amused many a customer in Syracuse: he faked banging his head on the stool.
After a while, he finally introduces Pink Lady – who then go on to perform [Jeff’s favorite song] “UFO”. Now… this is the first episode of PL&J where MIE & KEI perform their original Japanese songs on American television.
After three exciting minutes of seeing MIE & KEI in action, Jeff joins them.
- [JEFF] That’s the real stuff, man… you girls are so talented.
- [MIE] Aw Jeff, you have more talent than both of us put together!
- [JEFF] Awww… do you think so, Kei?
- [KEI] No comment.
Then Jeff talks about how MIE & KEI happened to arrive in America during an election year. Unfortunately for Jeff, Pink Lady does not understand American politics. Jeff then explains that a President can be elected for two terms of 4 years each.
- [MIE] Can’t you keep him longer?
- [JEFF] Usually we can’t get rid of him fast enough.
- [KEI] Why don’t you get an emperor?
- [JEFF] We had a guy who tried that once. (imitating Richard Nixon) Good evening, of course.
Then Jeff talks about how anybody in America can become President – including himself. KEI’s reaction to that: “Wonderful.” But then Jeff mentions how difficult it can be to run for President – and how he would need a running mate. MIE & KEI then suggest Anga-san, who then comes out and chases Jeff back and forth.
The special guests for this episode were: Greg Evigan (and his chimpanzee co-star), Hugh Hefner (and the Playmates), and Cheap Trick (via music video.).
Next segment: Here’s Art Nuvo once again – selling old merchandise, sculptures, and all other older merchandise… for a small fee.
Right after Art Nuvo’s rather obscure commercial, we take you to the White House – where the “Jimmy Carter Show” is being filmed. Special guests joining him are Charo and Bette Midler.
Next we witness a classic performance by Greg Evigan (star of “BJ and the Bear”). After he and his band perform, he meets Pink Lady & Jeff… and the chimp joins them all.
Next we witness a musical tabloid: “Cheapshot Magazine”. Among the hot gossip topics were: Richard Dawson goes to the hospital – apparently because his lips were exhausted from kissing too many women… Marlin Perkins marries a fish (I fast-forwarded through that part because the thought of humans marrying animals disturbs me)… and Hugh Hefner turning ownership of the Playboy Mansion over to – Richard Nixon?!?!?
After that musical tabloid, we witness a mini-concert performance by Pink Lady & Greg Evigan.
Right after that, we witness a party going on at the Playboy Mansion… where Pink Lady – minus Jeff – are invited! Damn… talk about getting less respect than Rodney Dangerfield. Just minutes into the party, Hugh Hefner himself comes out and announces to his guests that he is giving up the Playboy Mansion… and then introduces his replacement: The pompous Reverend! [There goes the neighborhood…]
After the Reverend “cures the guests of their sadness” [and Pink Lady cures him of his obnoxious behavior], we jump to Leonard Moon’s locker room where MIE & KEI ask the rather win-less boxer all sorts of questions.
Next we are treated to a music video by Cheap Trick: “Dream Police.”
After the music video, MIE writes home again. This time she talks about her and KEI’s brief trip to Chicago – and how it “really blew their minds.”
And how fitting; the next series of sketches would then take us to Chicago! Among the sketches, we witness:
- Everybody and everything going on strike (even the wind!)
- Pink Lady become the newest Playboy Bunnies and begin training for the Tokyo club
- Two tourists visit Chicago and want to get a picture with a common mugger (Too weird!)
Then of course, at the end of the show; Jeff thanks all guests for showing up. Afterward, MIE & KEI get changed into their bathing suits to prepare for “Hot Tub Time.” After MIE & KEI take Jeff to the hot tub, we witness Hef and the Playmates in the tub waiting for them! And to make matters interesting, the chimp is hanging out with them – with a cigar in his mouth! After a few seconds, Greg Evigan grabs the chimp and says goodbye to everyone. And once again, Jeff gets talked into getting in the hot tub with MIE, KEI, and the Playmates! What a happy ending once again. Sayonara.