PINK LADY & JEFF: THE REVIEW - PART TWO
EPISODE FOUR
Top of the show: Enter Jeff Altman – minus his rather obscure monologue. Instead of three boring minutes of Jeff Altman’s useless banter, he introduces Pink Lady – who then perform a rather exciting rendition of “You Just Keep Me Hanging On.”
After the performance, MIE & KEI look at the possibility of finding an apartment – but they seem to know absolutely nothing about finding an apartment in America (nor the abbreviations in the newspapers), so they turn to Jeff for advice. Then they meet MIE & KEI’s broker: EF Sumo –AKA– Anga-San! And when EF Sumo talks, “you better listen, mama!”
The special guests for this episode were: Florence Henderson, Lorne Greene, Boomer the dog, Sid Caesar, and Blondie (via music video).
Now the Ladies meet the legendary Lorne Greene – star of “Bonanza” (which ran for 14 years) and “Battlestar Galactica”. He basically tells MIE & KEI about what they need to create a very powerful TV Show.
RADIO TIME! The Ladies are back with their cute little Radio song to introduce some mini-sketches. Among them are:
- “Jail Radio” hosted by two cellmates (played by Jeff Altman and Jim Varney).
- Consumer Reports; Jeff Altman inspects a local lemonade stand and has his boys put it out of business. The young lady [who ran the stand] retaliates by tying his shoes together.
Next, MIE learns a magic card trick from Jeff. Jeff has MIE pick two cards from the deck. Those two cards turn out to be the Queen of Hearts and the King of Clubs. Those two cards would then represent Florence Henderson and Sid Caesar in the next sketch: “The Wedding Reception.”
There we are: the Wedding Reception. The two newlywed men come in all frustrated because Papa-san (played by Sid Caesar) would not let the brides (his daughters) ride with them. Then suddenly he freaks out after seeing the catering bill… but then it’s toast time to the new brides and grooms. Eventually, Papa-san warms up to the men and gives each newlywed couple a pair of first-class tickets for their honeymoon. Afterwards, he offers two tickets to Nashville to the grooms’ mother.
Next we meet Boomer the dog. [Too cute; I love puppies!] MIE & KEI are having such a good time talking to Boomer. What sort-of killed the buzz for that section was when Jeff asked Boomer to cash his $100 check (as if he would understand a request to cash a check and bring back change!). Shortly afterward, Boomer was gone – and so was Jeff’s $100 check.
- [JEFF] I’ll never see that money again.
- [KEI] Right. You just can’t trust actors with money.
Next, Pink Lady perform a rendition of “Yesterday”.
After that, we witness a rather energetic performance by Blondie as Deborah Harry belts out “Eat to the Beat”.
Next, it’s back to “Culture City” with Art Nuvo. This time, he advertises African merchandise.
After that, we witness a silent movie called “An Orphan’s Love” where Sid Caesar plays a down-on-his-luck boxer who goes on to challenge Kid Habachi (played by Anga-san).
Next, MIE & KEI meet Florence Henderson – who teaches them about nostalgia (fond memories of the past) and sings “America the Beautiful”.
Next, Boomer comes back with Jeff’s money – well, almost all of it. He brought back the $50 cashier’s check and $40 in cash. The remaining $10 was spent on a bone. Right after Jeff’s encounter with Boomer, we go to see Pink Lady – who then perform special renditions of “How Deep Is Your Love”, “Shame”, and “Le Freak”.
The end of the show… Hot Tub Time. Of course, Jeff does his little “mock-complaining rant” about how MIE & KEI always get Jeff in the hot tub while still in his tuxedo. This time around, MIE & KEI have tuxedos of their own. As a result; MIE, KEI, and Jeff are all going into the hot tub… while wearing tuxedos! While in the tub, they all act like the 3 Stooges! Sayonara!
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EPISODE FIVE
Now here’s a slight difference at the beginning of the show. Instead of listening to Jeff Altman for 3 boring minutes, we’re being blessed with another Pink Lady classic: “Monster!” But wait… what’s wrong with this picture?!? Their costumes looked like something out of Voltron or Tranzor-Z. Not to mention MIE & KEI looked absolutely uncomfortable in those outfits… so uncomfortable in fact that they could not properly execute their dance moves! What in the blue hell was NBC thinking?!? And the backup dancers… Seriously, their costumes looked like small petite Ro-Beasts from Voltron! [At this point, I thank NBC… for f***ing up a perfectly good Pink Lady classic!]
After their performance of “Monster”, MIE & KEI turn things around a bit; they introduce Jeff Altman!
In the beginning of this next section, KEI reveals that she and MIE went to a disco after the previous night’s rehearsal. The rest of the conversation went as follows:
- [JEFF] You know how I feel about you two girls going out alone at night.
- [MIE] Not alone. There were always many men around us.
- [JEFF] I bet. Did you have a good time?
- [MIE & KEI] Yes! … No.
- [MIE] Everyone asked us strange questions.
- [JEFF] Strange questions like what?
- [KEI] “What is your sign?”
- [JEFF] They’re talking about your horoscope.
- [MIE] Oh – horoscope! We should have told them we are Leos.
- [JEFF] I thought you were Sagittarians.
- [KEI] We are, but we can’t pronounce it.
- [JEFF] (imitating robot) Sa-gi-ttar-i-ans. (MIE & KEI repeat)
Shortly afterward, Jeff talks about “computer dating” and reveals that his “date would show up any minute.” Next thing we know, his date turns out to be a robot (something out of Lost In Space, mind you).
The special guests for this episode were: Red Buttons, Alice Cooper, and Jerry Lewis.
Oh no – here we go again! Another edition of the musical tabloid Cheapshot Magazine. Among the cheap gossip, we witnessed:
- An absurd game show where a “lucky contestant” would replace Johnny Carson.
- A new surgery method is made cheaper for the patient… but the head doctor is displeased with the job that was done on the patient, even though the patient felt better.
Next, MIE & KEI introduce Red Buttons. They ask him how he remains famous after so many years, and he reveals that the secret to his being famous was finding a trademark (a slight gesture with which one would always be associated). Then after asking MIE & KEI a yes/no question, they answer with: “Yes! … No.” Red Buttons even shocked himself as he “helped MIE & KEI find a trademark of their own.”
Next thing we know, it’s time for another obscure commercial by Art Nuvo as he advertises “Culture City”. This time, Art Nuvo is advertising technological gadgets.
Next we have a sketch about the second inauguration of Abraham Lincoln, which feels more like a roast.
Right after that, MIE & KEI perform a special rendition of “Macarthur’s Park.”
Next we meet another legendary comedian: Jerry Lewis. And of course, he has to ham it up in the presence of MIE & KEI. Then Jeff tells the Ladies that Jerry Lewis is one of the greatest masters of comedy. Then of course…
- [MIE] Could you help us with our comedy?
- [JERRY] I’d be delighted. Anything I can do would be a pleasure.
- [KEI] Good. Give Jeff all the help you can.
Jerry eventually realizes that Jeff was a bit too stiff, so he gives Jeff a lesson or two on how to be funny without being so stiff. Apparently, the lessons paid off as Jeff removes his tie and re-introduces Jerry Lewis.
Then Jerry comes back out [and crashes into a few chairs] and says a few things to the audience. After his brief speech, he sings “the shortest song we’ve ever heard” and then goes into its history with the help of a sketch.
Next up – performing “Clones” from his “Flush the Fashion” album is Alice Cooper.
After that, it’s another mini-concert from Pink Lady. But first, Jeff Altman does a crazy drum interlude which would segway into one of their great mini-concerts.
Among the great songs they cover:
- “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart
- “Dancing Queen” by ABBA
- “If They Could See Me Now”
Now it’s the end of the episode… but Pink Lady is out there on stage – without Jeff! Where could he be? It turns out that he is already in the hot tub – dressed in nothing but swim trunks! After he thanks the guests for showing up, KEI reveals to Jeff a [false] article about a shark that was found in the local waters. Jeff dismissed the article and laughed at it… until he suddenly finds a shark fin coming close to him! At that time, Jeff escapes the hot tub, running like a scared little punk! And so, MIE & KEI say “good night” to the audience… and very shortly afterward, it is revealed that the shark fin was worn on Anga-san’s head! What a way to end an episode [although I must say that was kind of cruel – even if I don’t care too much for Jeff Altman]. Sayonara.
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EPISODE SIX (The Lost Episode)
Once again, enter Pink Lady and their rendition of another classic song. This time, it was “I Can’t Help Myself” by the Four Tops. After their performance, they introduce Jeff Altman.
For this rather obscure opening after Pink Lady sing their song, Jeff tries to teach them some tongue twisters. Here is one that Jeff tried to teach them: “Around and around the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.” After hearing that, KEI immediately said “Forget it.” So then the Ladies taught one to Jeff. Jeff tried to repeat the phrase they said, but it turned out all wrong; according to MIE, Jeff called Anga-san a bunch of naughty names! Next thing you know, Anga-san appears – and is none too pleased with what Jeff said. Jeff then tried to be funny about it; he imitated Richard Nixon: “Let me, of course, retract that statement…” but it was too late; Jeff was already in Anga-san’s crosshairs, and the chase was on. As they ran off, MIE said to Anga-san: “Don’t hurt him!”
The special guests for this episode were: Bobby Vinton, Byron Allen, Sid Caesar, and another legendary performer – Roy Orbison.
For our next section… oh no! It’s the pompous Reverend again! But this time, he is upstaged by “Reverend Mike” (played by Byron Allen). He pitches a deal similar to what “Reverend Jeff” pitches, and Jeff isn’t too impressed. So they try to out-heal each other with their style and flamboyance… but it is getting nowhere fast. Suddenly a very old and sickly man comes in accompanied by MIE & KEI. He is said to be a hypochondriac; he’s had every sickness known to man. As soon as he said “Money is no object…” bells rang within the heads of the two Reverends, and they took him aside. They both laid their hands on the old man and he felt a little better, but he was still quite out of it. So they both took him out of the church and into God-knows-where, until KEI stopped and asked them: “Why don’t you heal everyone else?” Reverend Jeff simply said: “Tell them to take 2 aspirin and call us in Tahiti.” And off they all went, leaving a rather bewildered MIE & KEI at the altar.
After that obscure sketch, Pink Lady introduce Bobby Vinton – who then performs “Roses Are Red”, “I Love How You Love Me”, and a few more of his songs. [NOTE: MIE records an acapella version of “I Love How You Love Me” on her CD “Never”.]
And… with this being the last show, this will be the last time we see Art Nuvo and his “Culture City”. This time it’s an “Everything-Must-Go” sale, as Art Nuvo and his assistants have lost their lease. And as Art Nuvo is rambling on, revenue agents are taking everything in sight and moving it elsewhere. And to make things interesting, Anga-san carries Art Nuvo away! Good riddance!
Next up, it’s the daughters of Papa-san (played by Sid Caesar) and their newlywed husbands. But here’s a special surprise: Papa-san and his new girlfriend are coming to dinner! When the girls try to embrace their husbands, Papa-san gets more overprotective than usual… in the house of his own daughters! [I guess old habits die hard.] MIE catches him on that, and Papa-san lightens up. On that note, it’s time to meet Papa-san’s girlfriend Jill.
Just seconds after Jill is introduced to everybody, the husbands grab their aprons and prepare to make dinner. But Papa-san does not agree with the lifestyle where the husbands serve their wives; he is so stuck on the tradition that “women are made to serve men.”
Now it is time for dinner. MIE & KEI seat everyone down. Just as MIE seats Papa-san and his new girlfriend together, Papa-san freaks out! New rules: “Woman must not sit with man until marriage.” “Woman does not eat from her own plate; woman must eat what falls from man’s plate.” On top of that, he makes his girlfriend feed him – thus making her very nervous. [Damn – talk about control freaks!]
Next up, the Ladies introduce Byron Allen. He then goes into a comedy sketch of his own. He talked about…
- His experiences in high school
- American Indians
- High-school football
- Graffiti on school walls
Next up, a mini-episode of “Beverly Hills PD” where Jeff plays a cop – and has Pink Lady arrested! The charge: driving a Volkswagen in Beverly Hills. [Sweet cream on an ice-cream sandwich… WTF?!?] And to make things a little more awkward, the interior of the police station looks more like a glitzy mansion than a police station! Then all kinds of crazy events happen in the station… so crazy in fact that all staff in the station totally forget about MIE & KEI. And off they all went, leaving a rather bewildered MIE & KEI at the front desk. End of scene (Thank God!).
After that rather disturbing sketch, we go to another musical spot featuring the legendary Roy Orbison – who then performs his famous “Pretty Woman.”
After that prestigious performance by Roy Orbison, we witness a sketch where Jeff plays a Sheriff who tries to keep women out of his town… until MIE & KEI show off their strength by breaking a wooden fence. Sheriff Jeff then changes his mind and offers to buy them a Tequila Sunrise.
Next up, Pink Lady & Jeff re-introduce Bobby Vinton. When he comes out, Bobby starts speaking Polish with MIE & KEI – much to Jeff’s confusion. So then, Bobby offers the Ladies a chance to sing with him – and the Ladies welcome that chance. Jeff then gets jealous and says he can sing too. He then asks if they would like to hear him sing, and their response is: “Yes! … No.” As they ALL say no, they leave Jeff on stage alone. Then Jeff sings anyway… and the auditorium is empty! [Damn – talk about Jeff getting less respect than Rodney Dangerfield!] He then has no choice but to give it up for 3 people who can sing: MIE & KEI, and Bobby Vinton.
On to another mini-concert! Among the songs performed were “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and “Johnny B. Goode”.
Now comes the end of the show… with another strange ending: the Ladies attempt to sell the hot tub! Next thing you know, a saleslady comes with 2 potential customers who were happily ready to take the hot tub for themselves! Then they all get in, and Jim Varney tries to steal Jeff’s thunder and thank all the guests for joining them… along with the usual “Sayonara… good night!” Jeff then gets irate about it and literally kicks the “intruders” out of the hot tub! Then as Jeff happily reclaims and gets in the hot tub, Bobby Vinton joins him! Then Bobby makes an observation:
- [BOBBY] Hold on… we’re missing something: two Pink Ladies.
- [ANGA-SAN] Last call. Want a Pink Lady?
That’s right – Anga-san actually speaks English! And to make things more interesting, he came in with bunny ears on his head… and two Pink Lady cocktails! Bobby then says: “This wasn’t the Pink Lady I was talking about…” Feeling rejected, Anga-san dumps the cocktails in the hot tub and leaves! So then, Jeff says the final “sayonara”… and the Ladies stand there smiling with their final “Good night!”
Seeing as that this series took place nearly 30 years ago, this was definitely my best trip down memory lane. Seeing how great MIE & KEI were [as actresses and singers] really made me appreciate them a lot more. It’s a damn shame that this series couldn’t continue; I was mesmerized by the Ladies’ beauty from the very beginning. Even now in their early 50s, they are still as beautiful as ever.
I thank Pink Lady (Mitsuyo Nemoto-Tsukuda & Keiko Masuda-Kuwaki) for bringing their legendary music to the world.
I thank Joshua Parris (my fellow Chicagoan) for bringing Pink Lady back to my attention.
I thank Jeffrey Branch for creating the Pink Lady America website (http://www.PinkLadyAmerica.com).
Goodbye for now, folks… and think Pink!