THE PINK LADY & JEFF TORTURETHON
by PULP Slaves
Six excruciating hours with no break and no escape----all caught on tape! A Special PULP Human Rights Violation.
So just how bad was the so-called “Pink Lady and Jeff” show? We here at PULP figured there was only one way to find out. Watch it. And record the results. That’s right. Scientific Method. But, being intelligent scientists----and not like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man----we weren’t about to run the experiment on ourselves. So we sought out unwitting patsies to serve in our stead….that’s when we rounded up our team of erstwhile video “volunteers”: Animerica scribe Urian Brown, Viz assistant editor Ian Robertson, and PULP staff writer Patrick Macias. The equipment: one tape recorder, one VHS, one TV, six Pink Lady….And Jeff tapes (available from Rhino Home Video), one large pizza, beer (twelve pack). The rules: six episodes, six hours, inside the video room, no breaks, no escape. The naked results (shared here with the general public for the first time) aren’t always pretty, but they do provide a stark lesson that, in this mysterious universe, some things are better left unknown to the human mind.
(Webmaster Note: When I first read this piece in the October 2001 issue of PULP which was headlined by a magnificent feature on Pink Lady, it had me rolling from laughter because it was so insanely funny. if you've ever seen an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that's what this is all about, only this is decided R-rated! To celebrate the 25th anniversary feature on PL & J, reading this piece should convince everyone beyond any shadow of doubt that watching all six epsiodes of the show in one pop is folly of the ultimate degree! So, here it is, mostly in its manic entirety! Enjoy!)
EPISODE 1
("I could watch this all night")
Special guest stars: Sherman Hemsley, Blondie, Bert Parks
Urian Brown: Is Rip Taylor going to be in this too?
(Pink Lady’s first number musical is “Boogie Wonderland”)
UB: This song is awesome. This is a good sign.
(NBC’s famed Peacock Dancers appear and strut their stuff.)
UB & Ian Robertson: [together] Wow!
Patrick Macias: Such simpler times. T & A was enough. All you had to do was get out there and shake your ass on TV.
UB: Where did they find all these varicose-veined hoes at? It’s disgusting. I swear the second one over is a man.
PM: This is what Italian TV looks like today. You’d expect a zombie to come crashing through the wall.
(Pink Lady and Jeff do their first intro.)
UB: He’s like, “I’m dumb, make fun of me all night.”
(Faux sumo wrestler appears at the end of the intro.)
UB: Where’s the samurai and the ninja? And the geisha?
(Pink Lady perform a salute to the magic of radio.)
UB: This is awesome!
(Mie appears possessed by the “disco demon” while preacher Jeff Altman does his faith healer routine.)
UB: How much cocaine do you think they’re on? She can’t stop dancing and he can’t stop talking.
(Altman does a Richard Nixon impersonation and dances as part of a soul revue.)
UB: It looks like they have some kind of disease. OK, who can’t do a Nixon impersonation? 5-year old kids can do that. It is easy as hell. How can you not do Nixon? Why doesn’t he just put on a giant penis helmet and walk around?
(Blondie appears via a pre-taped segment.)
PM: This song was not a hit. And neither was this show.
UB: Blondie is not helping.
IR: Yes they are.
UB: What is she on? She’s totally coked out. Her eyes are glassed over.
PM: It’s the Traci Lords look.
(Blondie’s chorus of “whoa whoa whoa” sets in.)
UB: When all else fails, you can always rely on “whoa whoa whoa” to get you through.
PM: Maybe they should start naming off cities.
IR: [Imitating Huey Lewis] L.A., Hollywood, and the Sunset Strip!
UB: I don’t know if you guys have ever done coke, but when you’ve done as much as she has, you can’t feel your face.
(Jeff does a Johnny Carson impersonation.)
UB: Actually, this is not that bad of a Carson imitation.
(Pink Lady’s Japanese commercial for a gadget called kincho matto generates much discussion.)
UB: What does it do?
Izumi Evers: [while checking up on the experiment’s progress] It keeps mosquitoes away.
PM: And they need Pink Lady to sell it?
UB: Hey, if Larry Bird can sell hot dogs and underwear.
(Mie writes a letter home, saying that “Hollywood is not what we expected.”)
UB: I sold my p---y for crack.
(Bert Parks appears as Schwab’s Drugstore soda jerk and performs a song and dance saluting the “old time movies.”)
UB: Nice orange skin, Bert.
PM: He’s drunk as a skunk. Look at his choreography. It’s like the Ernest Borgnine school of dance.
(Bert Parks informs Pink Lady that “that’s the way it is in the world today. Sometimes you’re on top, and sometimes, you’re on the bottom.”)
IR: I think he means “sometimes you’re a bottom, sometimes I’m a top.”
UB: I’m versatile.
(Pink Lady sings “You’ve Got A Friend” and “Knock On Wood”.)
UB: I could watch this all night.
IR: They don’t have much to offer us, for God’s sake. But they are kind of endearing.
(Pink Lady escort Jeff into the hot tub.)
UB: What are they going to do? Squirt gravy on him? I feel dirty. This is gross.
EPISODE 2
("This is entertainment")
Special guest stars: Larry Hagman, Teddy Pendergrass, Sid Caesar, Donny Osmond
(Pink Lady sing “Ease On Down The Road.”)
IR: More disco! This is what I want! More disco!
(The Peacock Dancers appear on a ferris-wheel, horse strewn stage with long canes and start to dance.)
IR: Look at that set! Poles and horses!
PM: Why don’t they just cut to the footage of animals f-----g? They couldn’t do that on The Dukes of Hazzard?
(Following some banter with Jeff, everyone dances senselessly until the commercial break.)
UB: This is entertainment? This is f-----g horrible.
EPISODE 3
("The stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life")
Special guest stars: Greg Evigan, Cheap Trick, Hugh Hefner & his Playmates
PM: This is going to be real good.
(During the opening segment, Jeff makes a joke about how he had to change his name because “Sex Pistols” was already taken.)
UB: Sex Pistols? More like Butthole Surfers.
(Pink Lady performs their song “UFO” in Japanese.)
PM: The dance for this song is like a slightly upscale version of the Funky Chicken.
IR: This is still way better than what they normally do on this show.
(A Jimmy Carter skit leads to an appearance by “Charo”.)
UB: Is that really Charo?
IR: No. It’s just another impersonation.
UB: They couldn’t even get that bitch? Charo did The Love Boat for free. It’s pathetic.
(Greg Evigan star of NBC’s BJ and the Bear performs a musical number.)
PM: Wait, we’re being asked to take Greg Evigan seriously as a musical act?
UB: What was BJ and the Bear?
PM: It was this guy driving around in a truck with a f-----g chimp.
UB: Did he have the Doobie Brothers backing him up like he does here?
IR: I miss Pink Lady.
(Greg meets Pink Lady. They ask him, “What is it like doing BJ and the Bear?”)
UB: It’s like having a dirty monkey s------g and p-----g all over the place.
Jim Varney and Jeff Altman crack jokes about a goldfish in a glass bowl.
PM: This is Romper Room humor.
UB: Romper Room is more honest than this. This is like dumb joke after dumb joke.
IR: This is good, dude. What are you talking about?
UB: If it was a bunch of Krofft puppets telling these jokes, it might not be so bad.
PM: Just remember, The Dukes of Hazzard is setting the standards here. “Let’s be as stupid as possible.”
UB: The Dukes of Hazzard wasn’t that stupid. They had cars, stunts, a hot chick in shorts. It’s all about being a rebel. Fighting the man.
(Pink Lady go to the Playboy mansion for a skit.)
PM: I’ve never seen Hef do sketch comedy before.
UB: You’re not going to see it here either.
(Mie writes yet another fake letter home. The segment begins, “Kei and I had a chance to take a trip.”)
UB: Did she say turn a trick?
(A tribute to Chicago.)
PM: How better to top the first episode’s empty salute to Hollywood? What’s next? Tuscaloosa?
UB: My mom looked better than the Peacock Dancers when she was 45.
(Hugh Hefner reappears to ask Pink Lady: “Do you girls think you have what it takes to be a Playboy Bunny?”)
UB: Yeah, can you f--- like a rabbit?
(The hot tub. Again.)
UB: Let me guess. He’s going to beg not to get in there, but he’s going to do it, then he’s going to like it. Arrgghh!
(The hot tub fills up with Playmates, while Hefner and Greg Evigan stand by with a chimpanzee.)
UB: This is it, the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life! This tops everything.
PM: Look at Hef! He’s like the specter of evil lurking over the whole thing.